Ellipsis

These past few weeks, I barely go out just because I've been busy searching for words that would describe how I truly feel. I hate to admit it, but I must; I totally suck at expressing myself. It's not that I don't know how I feel, rather don't know how to say it. It's something that I've been working on for so long, and the history behind it may be something that happened when I was younger. I've wasted countless opportunities for myself just because I don't talk too much, and I hated it.

And things are interconnected. Due to that, I can't walk outside without listening to music, I can't stand the stare of other people, and I can't tolerate loudness. Over the years, I was told to act like this or like that and never had a chance to express myself genuinely. I just can't imagine how I never thought I would grow up like this when I've been trying to prevent this since I became aware of it.

My younger self would probably hate me as much as I hate that part of me now, and if I could just talk to him, I'd force him to be connected with the people around him. I'd tell him to cry when that time happened so that I would not have any regrets now. Most importantly, I'll remind him to tell that person how much I love him and thankful I am being his son so that he would not pass away without wanting to hear those words from me. I've never been a good son, a friend, or a person in general. I've dealt more harm than good, but I'm trying. I'm doing my best in every way possible.

I'm trying to be good. I want to be helpful and useful since I've never felt that way in my entire life. It feels like I'm lifting a huge bag of regrets and disappointments from the past, and I have no idea how to get rid of it. I wish I could.